“No man is an island.” John Donne, 1624
We’ve heard this iconic phrase for centuries. I had to Google who actually said it, but I’ve heard it for years. Islands are, of course, completely separate from the mainland, surrounded by water, connected to nothing. They may be rich with natural resources or devoid of life, but they are alone, unable to share, unable to glean. John Donne’s sentiments were clear in his writings: we are all connected to one another, each an integral part of society. In Googling this guy, I read a few brief biographies on him: His wife passed away giving birth to their 12th child, a stillborn infant. Only 7 of his 12 children survived. He faced numerous financial difficulties and struggled with depression, serious illnesses, imprisonment, a disapproving father-in-law, imposed religion, and life as a minister (that’s tough enough). In short, homeboy had it rough. If anyone had a cause to want to disconnect, hibernate in a tunnel, and just plain be a hermit, it was this guy. And yet he felt strongly enough about the importance of community to include this phrase, this poem, in his many writings. No man is an island.
Why, then, are so many MOMS an island?
We isolate ourselves from the mommy mainland, silently separate ourselves and allow ourselves to be surrounded by the choppy waters. There are days where we literally feel like we are drowning. If you’re living on a tropical paradise, perfectly sustained, then share the wealth with your neighbors, give them wisdom, encouragement, peace, snack ideas. No mom should be an island.
This job we have is a tough one. Between the June Cleavers of our past and the Pinterest posts of our present, we have a lot of unrealistic examples of parenting. Peggy Bundy and Roseanne were a lot closer to life as we know it, but their whole characters were based on telling us they were BAD moms. Every morning we wake up ready for a new day, and almost every evening we go to bed convinced we’ve blown it. Social media provides an excellent platform for sharing the best of our lives, the highlight reel, the best-of moments. When comparing ourselves to the mom who finds the time for the gym, who homeschools her 8 kids with a smile, who bakes her own bread from scratch and gardens and crafts and sews and never gets speeding tickets and always has clean hair and maintains a tan all year long and doesn’t have to lie down to zip her pants up and has bottomless babysitting help from family and hosts a women’s Bible study in her immaculately clean home… we’re going to come up short.
And so we paddle out to our islands. We keep our struggles secret. The bad days, self-doubt, the horrible admissions that our kids drive us nuts sometimes – we tuck them away and put on a brave face.
One of the best things that has ever happened to me as a mother was being added to a Facebook group. I know, it’s cheesy and sounds like I’m in 10th grade. But a small community of women who are there to support, encourage, advise, bless, celebrate, console, share, and laugh at almost any hour through almost any life event has been just what my struggling mommy heart needed. Mommies need friends. Get yourself to a playgroup, a MOPS group, a Bible study group, or even just a kid-free dinner with a friend however you can. I found a great friend in my son’s preschool teacher. The days are long, but the years are short. But MAN, the days get long sometimes. Especially over the summer. Especially today. And while the long days are still long days, having friends makes the end of the day so much better. I’m one of the most stubborn people you’ll ever meet. My husband will attest to that. I have a hard time asking for help. I built myself an island. But thanks to the women in my life, some of whom are spread across the country, some of whom are just a few miles away, I’m now somewhat of a peninsula. Connected. Supported. Sharing. There are still those choppy waves beating against me, but not from all sides anymore.
Fellow mommies, I cannot encourage you enough to make mommy friends. They have bad days, too, I promise. They have questions and struggles and frustrations and poop on their shirts. The sooner we can all be honest with each other, the sooner we can start helping each other. Someone else thinking you’re a perfect mom doesn’t make you a perfect mom, so why keep up the charade? Be REAL. Be the mom that you are! Be supportive, be supported, just put yourself out there and find friends to help you through it.
Besides, once the kids are grown and gone, you’ll need someone to have lunch with.
No man is an island,
Entire of itself,
Every man is a piece of the continent,
A part of the main.
If a clod be washed away by the sea,
Europe is the less.
As well as if a promontory were.
As well as if a manor of thy friend’s
Or of thine own were:
Any man’s death diminishes me,
Because I am involved in mankind,
And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls;
It tolls for thee.
– John Domme